YOU.

I gave you my heart, but that wasn't enough. I know your life can go on without me, that you can be happy without me, that you can survive without me. You are Superman after all right? But whatever this is, this needs to stop. We may both have our reasons why we have each other but none of them excuses it, none of them is right. This is want I want so badly, to be in a loving relationship where I can fall asleep in the arms of someone I love and wake up with them the same morning and not waking up at the middle of the day or night going home. And I don't think so i will ever find this person while we continue this. I am putting this in writing to finally able to confirm that this is not something I want. After this, you may not want to see me anymore but I want until this day, i want to let you know, that I love you, that i would always choose you, that I love you with all that you are, with all that you have been and wiith all that you're ought to be. I love you damn too much. You and your memory haunts me everyday.

I don't hate you, I am just hurt because you haven't even tried.  I don't hate you, I am just disappointed that I am still not enough, that everything I have done is still far from right, that all the times I was there when you have no one is senseless. That even my belief that you can still be a better man and you have a good heart is something that you don't even believe yourself.  I am stupid for letting you walk all over me and never complained once. I am stupid for always running back to you and accepted you if you ran back to me. I hope she's good in dealing with all your bullshit's because your nothing but it. You made me begin to learn  that Kisses, don't always mean something, promises are as easily broken are as they are made.

 I don't hate you because you don't care, It just feel awful how you go by days letting me feel bad and your comfortable with it because your used to it. You'll wait until I forgot I felt bad then come back like nothing happened.

I should have walked away years back, but you know how to stop me from leaving even without saying a word. I don't hate you for breaking my trust, I am just sad because i can't trust you anymore. I don't know what else do you need from me. I have given you more than I could offer, you have taken more than you deserve. Of everything that's left with me, i will still love you with all these little pieces, that's something that I can't take away. I thought I can go by this because I love you, but I guess that's the same reason why I can't anymore Superman. I am so tired of picking up all your pieces, pulling you back together when youre scattered like shit. I can't be your Superman too, because I also need someone to Save me from you. My life went 180 degrees turn when I met you. I don't even know what's normal anymore. You made me depend on you. You took all the good things i felt for myself and made me a lesser person.

I knew what I am to you-and I accepted that. We never talked about it because we are both afraid of confrontation. You don't like the feeling of being cornered. You don't like to be asked, you don't like the feeling to be confronted. I am smart enough to not pressure you with questions nor demanded anything, I took what you could give and valued it. See, superman, with all these years I tried a lot of times, but I don't have the courage and the strength to stay away from you. I guess we just met years too late. I put up with the stolen moments, weekends and holidays alone. I never complained because I chose to still be with you. Sometimes i have prayed that you would come to your senses and leave me alone. I am incapable of pushing you away everytime you come back, you know why? because i want you here with me more than i ever wanted anything. but when i do get to see you, it is never enough.

I should have told you I was hurting-i knew where my place was, but I thought I can settle with that. But I just fooled myself. I let you back in, literally. i never thought it would be easy but I never imagined it to be this hard. 

i have always amazed myself how tough i have become because of you, I am now looking a new chapter in my life wiithout you and your baggage.

 Sometimes all that you can do is wait for it to feel better, wait for a bad day to be over, wait for things to work themselves out. Sometimes you have done all that you can possibly do, and then you just have to wait. I guess in this world kamots, no matter we like it or not, no matter how much we care, some are meant to be friends, or even destined to be back to stranger after. I hope that one day, you will become some memory of my life. it will me years to rebuild myself and a lifetime of loving someone I cannot have. And maybe putting this on writing and putting it out here will somehow keep me accountable to this declaration of hope.

Eventually, I'll stop caring. 

Eventually, it stops being the most important thing in my life.

I know it will take awhile, but eventually I'll find the good in this goodbye.

I miss you today, just like i did yesterday, just like i would tomorrow. And I miss you already.

I had to go my way and you had to go yours but it doesn't mean i love you less. I am not giving up, I am simply doing what's best for me and that's not being a part of your life anymore no matter how I wanted myself to be.

Maybe I'm over you, May be I have moved on, maybe i found someone better. Or maybe I am just a damn good LIAR.

It's funny how I always find myself wanting to run back to you, for some reason thinking it would work our differently this time..
Maybe you will always  be that one person, no matter how long it's been or how badly they've treated you. if they say I love you, you will say it back.
 Because I love you without knowing How, or When or Why. 
I love you Without Complications nor Pride.
I love you, because there's no other way.

I love you, it's as simple as that..

But Maybe Love is really not enough, when it's not Love that at stake. I want to remember you  as the only thing that made sense to me and not the person who stole everything from me, even myself.

I want to remember you good. That's at least what I can do. Though until this day, my belief that you could put Life around and be a Better Man is still overwhelming, the man we you always wanted to be because that's what you really are. And When that time comes, I would be very proud of you, even if I am not there anymore to see you..

I want to be free Kamots, I want to be free from YOU. I don't wanna be sired anymore to you. You can do better without me. I can be so much without you. Let me Go and Give me back my Life.

PS. 

I didn't change, I just stopped living LIFE your way.

Goodbye Superman..Goodbye Kamots.

This is for the better..I will be better.

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness

When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge — or embrace forgiveness and move forward.

Nearly everyone has been hurt by the actions or words of another. Perhaps your mother criticized your parenting skills, your colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger, bitterness or even vengeance — but if you don't practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you can also embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

What is forgiveness?

Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you might always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?

When you're hurt by someone you love and trust, you might become angry, sad or confused. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might pay the price repeatedly by bringing anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present. You might become depressed or anxious. You might feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs. You might lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

• Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
• Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
• When you're ready, actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

As you let go of grudges, you'll no longer define your life by how you've been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.


http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131

WE LOVE PAIN: The Bakun Trio of Kabunian, Tenglawan and Lobo.

WE LOVE PAIN: The Bakun Trio of Kabunian, Tenglawan and Lubo.

Life has been full of “first time" ever since I joined MMS, which was exactly what I needed at that point in my Life. I thought of something challenging but definitely satisfying at heart. After climbing Mt. Banahaw, I thought I couldn't handle any more of it but my heart knows it’s not true hehe .After four, busy, weekend-filled MMS months, here we are finally on our Second Major Climb: The famous BAKUN TRIO.

 Three days of climbing and the backbreaking rides there felt difficult to pull through. SCARY? Hell Yeah. Impossible? Hell No. Pressure? No Comment. With Sir Long Henson himself and Sir Tristan finally on a Climb is indeed Pressure along with thrice the headcount of the members over us trainees is again another Pressure. Originally we were supposed to meet up at Cubao Victory Liner but due to circumstances we can't avoid we ended up meeting up at Victory Liner Pasay (which is just 15 minutes away from me, I know the bus almost left me still haha). At 9:15 the Bus left Pasay Victory Liner Terminal but someone is missing according to TL Siege, well, where’s Jeff Dalia? Well yeah, he just woke up. Ha-ha good thing he lives somewhere north so the Bus can pick him up along the way with all the Chowking Express takeout orders by the Members. After 6-7 hours , at 4am, finally on my second time in Baguio (yeah, poor me, only second time) but this time around, it wasn't just a regular Baguio vacation, it was a Climb, not just one but three: the TRIO of Kabunian, Tenglawan and Lobo. Honestly, I was bracing for the worst physical experience.  We headed to Andok's for our Last minute take out for Packed Breakfast and Lunch, last minute Bio Break ( wee wee and poo poo break), and Last minute Back out hahaha ( joke), then we are ready to go. For first time Benguet travelers like me, I can't help but fall in love with what my eyes was offering me while travelling then To Bakun, the view along the way was just breathtaking. I was anxious trying my best to fit my head first in the medium sized jeepney window just for my eyes to witness the beauty of the said Province.  It gave me a peek preview of what our destination has to offer.  After an hour and half drive, we arrived at Philippine Highway System's Highest Point at 7400 ft, some of us ate breakfast and the rest took their signature poses, solo and group pics at the said Highest Point. After another hour Drive, finally at Bakun, we stopped for final shopping of food, toiletries, trail foods, fruits and Liquor.  When we turned left, we thought Brgy, Poblacion was just then a blink away, never thought it would be a million blinks away. I don't know how to drive, but I wouldn't drive a car there if I will be given a chance. Ha-ha. I and Elaine were toying around of tying ourselves up with prussic rope so that we won't be thrown around the jeepney while going through the road. It was indeed a long ride from the highway to the said Barangay, endless I would say. It was difficult to steal a sleep, coz the ride felt like even more than a roller coaster.

Finally, at around 11am, Brgy. Poblacion Municipal hall revealed itself to its transients. It is surrounded with high mountains and majestic waterfalls from afar. From the Municipal Hall, Mt Tenglawan and Mt Lobo are visible, but Mt Kabunian the first mountain to conquer is hiding behind a facade.

Knowing Sir Mark, he was all around the Hall reminding us the essentials for the climb of the day. I was more than excited for this mountain, not bad for an 8-10 hours trek. After an hour from arrival, we decided to start climbing after a prayer for a safe ascend and descend at night. 

Day 1: Mt Kabunian

With no Guide, we started finding the bridge connecting to the other side. Funny for it was 3 years ago since the last MMS Bakun Trio Climb, pathways has been changed, renovations has been done, reconstructions has been built, in short we got lost at first. Haha Thanks to the wonderful people of the said barangay where we finally found the right trail going to the said bridge. Instead of the anticipated assault, we were welcomed with a hundred of cemented stairs steps descend. Then there the first metal hanging bridge built by locals, just like the famous bridge in Mt Ugu. But for first time crossers of the said bridge, my knees were trembling, confused of where to step since there were holes on where you will have to step in. I am not afraid that the bridge will fall, I am afraid of falling from the bridge. I called Superman and all the superheroes I have ever known for help, but instead I saw Sir Tristan jumping like a kid on the bridge so obviously it swayed hard from left to right. Hehe After gaining back elevation, I noticed that the trails were established and water source is available several minutes from the start of ascend. Scenic view of Bakun's high Mountains and dramatic waterfalls is visible on your right that stretch along the local dam. Before passing the second hanging bridge, just before an assault, history of Mt Kabunian is revealed in an engraved arc that explains the divinity of the place, where we saw Sir long, Mam Beth, Mam Oyie and Mam Yeahbah from afar. The views here going on forward is breathtakingly panoramic. We were blessed with a good weather for us to witness how beautiful the creation of our Almighty Father is. I and Elaine had to stop for a moment to feel that the reality of the scenery before us. It was just impressive, so I thought this is what they were talking about. Beautiful. As we approached the summit, there were several wooden coffins that rest along the side of the mountain's wall. Holy indeed. Sacred. Hundred of meters away from the summit, a fork is at sight that can confuse first time hikers , the western trail brings you a fake summit that goes to Ilocos. After a couple of meters north and an easy assault finally is the Summit. Although with no clearing it was still just like I mentioned satisfying at heart. Everyone was hungry. Then of course the endless picture taking, of the fearless 5 Dose, and Members. Unexpectedly, the Holy Mountain literally blessed us with Rain. Color coded Poncho and Raincoats were visible along the trail while descending. Rc even jokingly called each poncho with the same color of Blue and Yellow as Classmates and the rest of the odd colors as transferees just like how it was in Elementary years.  Slowly but surely as they say when descending, aside from the fact that the trail turned so much slippery to descend than to ascend because of the rain, it was then getting dark. Of course, part of being a responsible mountaineer is to be always ready, headlamps and batteries. Our trek going down is smooth and scary. We were always extra careful not to be overconfident with the trails. At the last hour of the trek back we saw the cemented stairs that we went down hours earlier that this time will have to ascend.  The stairs looked easy but it was tiring, it became the hardest leg exercise for that day and drained most of us to the final way back home.  

Wn also got lost within the community while finding back the Municipal Hall, with the endless pathways. We don’t have any locals to ask from, since obviously they’re already sleeping at  quarter to eight in the evening.  Good thing,  a smiling, kind hearted old woman that we came across with accompanied us back to the hall. This mountain unravel a lot of personalities  that day, we discovered who despite the Image of a smart strong man is so much afraid of dogs,  a career dentist who walked  barefooted stepped on a fresh big  S**t (stool) on her way back home but still manage to laugh her ass out about it. 

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